The Unspoken Loss

  Have you or someone close to you experienced a miscarriage?

Miscarriage is defined as the death or demise of an embryo before the 20th week of pregnancy. Research says that 1 in 4 women have experienced or will experience a miscarriage.

8 out of 10 miscarriages happen in the first three months of pregnancy. That was my experience.

We were so excited to receive the news of our blessing, especially after finding out that my tiny weeny fibroids had now grown rather large. The day we received the call from my doctor’s nurse that my numbers were not doubling, and that a miscarriage was on the horizon, we were devasted.  I knew about miscarriage, but it did not occur to me that it could become my reality. All the nurse told me was that it would be like my menstrual cycle.  Boy, she was wrong.

That information left me ill-equipped and under-prepared. It seemed like days before the cramping began, but in reality, it was just a few. The ordeal unfolded over the weekend and my doctor’s office was closed.  To make matters worse, it was my birthday weekend.

The loss of my baby was a pain that I had not experienced before at that level and would not wish upon anyone else.  Not only did I lose my baby but all the expectations that came with their impending arrival. 

Later I found out that several of my girlfriends had experienced a miscarriage as well.  They asked me why I didn’t share with them and I asked them the same.  It wasn’t something that I openly discussed or shared with the closest of friends.  I did not know how to, and I did not want people’s perfunctory responses. I believe that is part of why other women do not share but I also believe that it is because people do not consider an embryo in the first trimester a baby. 

The experience of a miscarriage becomes a silent prison to which no one is allowed.  It becomes the unspoken loss. 

What suggestions would I have for other moms?

1.       Be ok with not being ok.

2.       Talk to someone, if there is no one, seek out a therapist.

3.       Don’t suffer in silence.  Find a support group or another woman who has experienced a miscarriage.